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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29312553">Forbidden Fruit Flavour</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/curtaincall/pseuds/curtaincall'>curtaincall</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Good Omens (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Doctors Hate Him! Local Angel Keeps Defying Medical Science, Humor, M/M, technically the tree of knowledge was the original forbidden snack</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:54:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>779</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29312553</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/curtaincall/pseuds/curtaincall</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Aziraphale has...singular tastes.</p><p>(Literally.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>217</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Forbidden Fruit Flavour</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">

        <li>
          Translation into Русский available: 
            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29880783">Запретный плод сладок</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/bangbangbaby/pseuds/bangbangbaby">bangbangbaby</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/team_Good_Omens/pseuds/WTF%20Good%20Omens%202021">WTF Good Omens 2021 (team_Good_Omens)</a>
        </li>


    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had started as a simple mistake at the shops. Aziraphale, in rather a hurry, had picked what he thought to be a box of individually packaged blueberry biscuits off of the shelf. It hadn't been until he returned home with the shopping and had a proper look that he realized what he'd bought weren't biscuits at all, but rather...contraceptive barriers. Aziraphale, who had lived through near-infinite iterations of birth control, was rather impressed than otherwise to discover that human ingenuity apparently extended to blueberry-flavoured condoms.</p><p>He'd placed the box to one side with the intention of donating it to some worthy charity, but, well...<em> flavoured condoms. </em>It really was quite a concept. He wondered whether…perhaps…</p><p>Aziraphale opened the box, tore open one of the little packets, and stretched out the product inside, pulling it over his finger for lack of other inspiration. It certainly didn't <em> look </em>appetizing, but…</p><p>He closed his eyes, stuck out his tongue, and licked.</p><p>There may well be some human being who genuinely enjoys the taste of blueberry-flavoured condoms. However, setting Blueberry Condoms Georg, an outlier who should not have been counted, aside, it is fairly universally recognized that blueberry condoms do not, in fact, taste good, or even particularly like blueberries.</p><p>Aziraphale, however, was unaware of this. And whether it was a result of the Almighty playing a practical joke when designing angel taste buds, or the box's remarkably persuasive marketing copy causing Aziraphale to alter reality subconsciously, the outcome was: he enjoyed it.</p><p>It would have been exaggeration to claim that Aziraphale subsequently made flavoured condoms a regular part of his diet. But he kept the rest of the box, after all, and when it was gone he bought another, and there was a splendid sale with buy-one-get-one-free, and the discreet corner at the back of the cupboard gained a rotating set of new occupants.</p><p>He never told anyone about this, finding it rather obscurely shameful, but it nevertheless didn't seem to cause any <em> problems. </em></p><p>Until, that was, a point in time when events vis-a-vis the theoretical end of the world had shaken out in such a way that Aziraphale had ventured to confess something, and Crowley had very gratifyingly reciprocated, and then there had been rather a lot of kissing, with the end result of Crowley lying with his head in Aziraphale's lap, glasses off, smiling up at him happily and going on about a very flatteringly long list of moments that were apparently seared upon his memory.</p><p>Crowley’s face turned serious, then, and he said: "I know you've had...human lovers. Not that I mind, or anything, really, totally understandable, it's just...I haven't, and—"</p><p>"One moment," Aziraphale said, "you know that I've...what?"</p><p>"Been having sex with humans. At least, I <em> assumed </em> it was humans, because, well...I mean, unless <em> Snake Fanciers </em>magazine takes itself way more literally than I thought—"</p><p>"But I haven't," Aziraphale said, baffled, "I don't know why you would assume—"</p><p>"I didn't assume," Crowley said, sitting up straight, "listen, I’ve said I don’t mind, you don't have to bother denying it, I wasn't snooping or anything but I saw them in your cupboard, okay?"</p><p>"Saw <em> what?" </em></p><p>"The condoms."</p><p>"No—oh dear, how... Crowley, I haven't been <em> using </em>those. Not for their...intended purpose."</p><p>Crowley blinked. "Then what…"</p><p>"I've been. Ah. Eating them."</p><p>"You've been <em> what?"  </em></p><p>"Please don't make me say it twice," Aziraphale said. "I know it's not exactly <em> conventional, </em>but I can't precisely help it that the flavours taste good."</p><p>Crowley stared at him for approximately fifteen seconds before breaking into a peal of what Aziraphale considered frankly disproportionate laughter.</p><p>"You think they <em> taste good?" </em> he managed, before dissolving into hilarity again. "<em>Flavoured condoms?" </em></p><p>“And you think they don’t?” Aziraphale shot back. “How would you even <em> know </em>how they taste, without trying—”</p><p>"Because I <em> invented </em>them. I mean, come on, make safe sex slightly more unpleasant while purporting to make it more fun, no-brainer, really. Rather proud of 'em."</p><p>"You...ah. Oh. Hmmm."</p><p>Aziraphale paused, digesting this (unlike the condoms, in a wholly metaphorical sense).</p><p>"So they're...not supposed to taste good, then?"</p><p>"They're <em> supposed </em> to. But they <em> don't. </em>That's the brilliant bit."</p><p>"Except to me," Aziraphale said, triumphantly, "and I think, therefore, this officially qualifies as a Thwarted Wile."</p><p>"Oh, come <em> on, </em> you're not claiming your weird snack habits as some kind of <em> virtue </em>, now—"</p><p>"Virtue," Aziraphale said self-righteously, "appears in the most unlikely of places."</p><p>Crowley snorted. "Yeah. I guess it does." He was quiet, for a moment, and then his face lit up with a very particular expression. "Hey, angel. You wouldn't happen to be familiar with Tide Pods…?"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>You can find me on Tumblr as <a href="http://fremulon.tumblr.com">fremulon</a> for more of whatever the hell this is.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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